Thursday, January 08, 2004
Ouch.
It hurts to type today.
Would you like to know why?
Well, yesterday, I left work to go buy myself some new children. You know, hamster children. I had previously decided that I would be purchasing 3 or 4 dwarf hamsters to inhabit the cage that dear departed Kimberly left behind. I went over to Petland Discounts and picked up 3 beautiful new babies. Two of them are twins – fluffy and grey, and from what I can tell, the supermodels of the hamster world. The third one looks like a tiny black cotton ball. When he walks, he looks like he is moving on tiny wheels.
Anyway…I named the twins “Colby” and “Morgan”. I named the little puffball “Paul”, but his nickname is “Little Poops”. I am in serious LOVE with Little Poops. He is so fucking cute that every time he came out from his nest I jumped up from my bed and pressed my big scary face up against the wall of the aquarium so that I could get a closer look at him. He is so adorable that I want to put him in my vagina and pretend as though I birthed him myself. I LOVE him. It almost makes me cry I love him so much.
But then there is Colby and Morgan. These two fucking bitches are the most vicious animals I have ever come across. The only time they didn’t draw blood from my fingers is when I was feeding them some lettuce. I figured that they were just getting acquainted with their new environment, so I left them alone for most of the night. This morning I woke up to find that their water bottle (which I have added an extension to, cuz the new babies are too small to reach it) was lying on the ground. I reached my hand in to readjust the bottle, when out of nowhere, Colby comes charging out of the nest and chomps right on my pinky. I jerked my hand up just in time to see a NEW welt being formed. I wasn’t ANYWHERE NEAR him and he attacked me.
I was furious.
I pulled my hand out and noticed that Colby was staring me down through the glass. His eyes are beady and blood thirsty. Now, I have 4 bites on my hand and one substantial bruise on my knuckle. Little FUCKERS. My old hamsters never did that. If they nipped, they never broke the skin. These new little bastards have broken the skin by just LOOKING at my hand. I don’t like them one bit.
But then there’s Little Poop who just rolls (remember, he is on wheels) around the cage being as adorable as he possibly can. Unfortunately, Colby and Morgan won’t let me anywhere near him. I am glad that they aren’t fighting, but I am angry that they think that they are the boss. They better chill the fuck out or they are going to find themselves fending for their lives in the NYC subway system.
Lastly, as I have said, little Jimbo is doing very well. He is healed up and acting like a brand new hamster. He and I have this new game. When I want him to come out of his little bed and play with me, I ring a bell and he peeks his head out of his hole. If he’s in the mood to be held or play, he will stretch his weary bones and come out. If he’s not he will simply put his head back in his house. Sometimes I want him to be held even when he’s not in the mood. I’ll stick my finger inside his house and he will gently nudge it out with his nose. I will keep putting my finger in there and he will nudge and nudge until I get the point. It’s a very loving relationship and nothing like what I have with Colby and Morgan.
In other news, thanks to my dear friend Jules, I have figured out what to give Paul for his anniversary present. I will be doing a “Five Senses” themed gift. INGENIOUS! And I am embarrassed that I couldn’t think of anything that clever.
Here’s what I came up with so far:
Sight: A book – probably an Augusten Burroughs or David Sedaris.
Sound: A CD that I will burn for him myself on my new burner!
Taste: My cum. Well, my cum and ALSO a gift certificate to Starbucks.
Touch: Colby and Morgan. He will LOVE the way they make his hands feel.
Smell: A Q-tip that has been swabbed in my belly button.
Okay, so obviously I have a bit of tweaking to do on this gift. But I love the idea.
I’m also thinking that I am going to take him to see a gay play in the city. There is tons of gay theatre here and he and I have yet to partake in any of it. Afterwards, he will take us out to a very nice dinner and we will spend the rest of the evening cuddling and in love. It would be nice if some sex was thrown in, but it’s been months since that has happened, so not counting on it. I’ll probably just hook up with someone else on Friday night to get it out of my system.
You understand. It’s how EVERYONE spends their 4 year anniversary with their boyfriend.
And that is all she wrote.
Murder She Wrote.
It hurts to type today.
Would you like to know why?
Well, yesterday, I left work to go buy myself some new children. You know, hamster children. I had previously decided that I would be purchasing 3 or 4 dwarf hamsters to inhabit the cage that dear departed Kimberly left behind. I went over to Petland Discounts and picked up 3 beautiful new babies. Two of them are twins – fluffy and grey, and from what I can tell, the supermodels of the hamster world. The third one looks like a tiny black cotton ball. When he walks, he looks like he is moving on tiny wheels.
Anyway…I named the twins “Colby” and “Morgan”. I named the little puffball “Paul”, but his nickname is “Little Poops”. I am in serious LOVE with Little Poops. He is so fucking cute that every time he came out from his nest I jumped up from my bed and pressed my big scary face up against the wall of the aquarium so that I could get a closer look at him. He is so adorable that I want to put him in my vagina and pretend as though I birthed him myself. I LOVE him. It almost makes me cry I love him so much.
But then there is Colby and Morgan. These two fucking bitches are the most vicious animals I have ever come across. The only time they didn’t draw blood from my fingers is when I was feeding them some lettuce. I figured that they were just getting acquainted with their new environment, so I left them alone for most of the night. This morning I woke up to find that their water bottle (which I have added an extension to, cuz the new babies are too small to reach it) was lying on the ground. I reached my hand in to readjust the bottle, when out of nowhere, Colby comes charging out of the nest and chomps right on my pinky. I jerked my hand up just in time to see a NEW welt being formed. I wasn’t ANYWHERE NEAR him and he attacked me.
I was furious.
I pulled my hand out and noticed that Colby was staring me down through the glass. His eyes are beady and blood thirsty. Now, I have 4 bites on my hand and one substantial bruise on my knuckle. Little FUCKERS. My old hamsters never did that. If they nipped, they never broke the skin. These new little bastards have broken the skin by just LOOKING at my hand. I don’t like them one bit.
But then there’s Little Poop who just rolls (remember, he is on wheels) around the cage being as adorable as he possibly can. Unfortunately, Colby and Morgan won’t let me anywhere near him. I am glad that they aren’t fighting, but I am angry that they think that they are the boss. They better chill the fuck out or they are going to find themselves fending for their lives in the NYC subway system.
Lastly, as I have said, little Jimbo is doing very well. He is healed up and acting like a brand new hamster. He and I have this new game. When I want him to come out of his little bed and play with me, I ring a bell and he peeks his head out of his hole. If he’s in the mood to be held or play, he will stretch his weary bones and come out. If he’s not he will simply put his head back in his house. Sometimes I want him to be held even when he’s not in the mood. I’ll stick my finger inside his house and he will gently nudge it out with his nose. I will keep putting my finger in there and he will nudge and nudge until I get the point. It’s a very loving relationship and nothing like what I have with Colby and Morgan.
In other news, thanks to my dear friend Jules, I have figured out what to give Paul for his anniversary present. I will be doing a “Five Senses” themed gift. INGENIOUS! And I am embarrassed that I couldn’t think of anything that clever.
Here’s what I came up with so far:
Sight: A book – probably an Augusten Burroughs or David Sedaris.
Sound: A CD that I will burn for him myself on my new burner!
Taste: My cum. Well, my cum and ALSO a gift certificate to Starbucks.
Touch: Colby and Morgan. He will LOVE the way they make his hands feel.
Smell: A Q-tip that has been swabbed in my belly button.
Okay, so obviously I have a bit of tweaking to do on this gift. But I love the idea.
I’m also thinking that I am going to take him to see a gay play in the city. There is tons of gay theatre here and he and I have yet to partake in any of it. Afterwards, he will take us out to a very nice dinner and we will spend the rest of the evening cuddling and in love. It would be nice if some sex was thrown in, but it’s been months since that has happened, so not counting on it. I’ll probably just hook up with someone else on Friday night to get it out of my system.
You understand. It’s how EVERYONE spends their 4 year anniversary with their boyfriend.
And that is all she wrote.
Murder She Wrote.
